The Power of Listening

“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say” – Bryant H. McGill

Conscious conversation – conversation that engages participants, inspires them to demonstrate their best, most authentic selves, and gives them a safe platform to be seen, heard and understood – includes active listening. And this is true – especially in a world full of distractions and sound bites. Everyone wants to be heard and understood. Think of the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. In conscious conversation, the idea can be applied as follows: If you would like to experience undivided attention and a sympathetic ear, offer yours. Careful listening has the potential to change the world and therein lays its power. It also manifests compassion and fosters a caring attitude – just two more of the many benefits of listening.

This essay focuses on listening as something we need to give and receive in order to transform our frequently hostile, electronics-driven, self-absorbed and win-lose atmosphere. Why? When push comes to shove, all we have in this world are each other: family, friends, business associates and the vast sea of humanity that we encounter.

Why Listen?

“Tone is often the most important part of a conversation – and listening is so much more important than what you say.” – Hoda Kotb

If we want to inspire a change in behavior of others, then we need to model the desired state. Good listening:

  • Increases our conscious behavior, thereby increasing our ability to do meaningful work
  • Establishes trust which enables work to get done quicker
  • Brings out the best in both the listener and the person being heard
  • Elevates the quality of the conversation and thereby the relationship between the parties
  • Enables us to see the true gifts of others; gifts that we can use to our mutual advantage
  • Creates a space for learning, recognizing opportunities and making better decisions

The Importance of Being Present

So why don’t we listen better? Here is one reason:

“Listening is such a simple act. It requires us to be present, and that takes practice, but we don't have to do anything else. We don't have to advise, or coach, or sound wise. We just have to be willing to sit there and listen.” – Margaret J. Wheatley

One of the hallmarks of human development is the notion of being present. At its core, being present means being aware. It’s unfortunate, but we spend a lot of time mingling with others, thinking about what we did or what we are going to do and not being present in the moment. Hypothetical time travel, whether it is the past or the future, is the biggest impediment to engagement and connection among people with whom we spend time. If we notice that our minds are wandering and that we are having difficulty focusing on the here and now, what do we do about it?

Intention Matters

The first thing we can do is to have a positive intention to change our behavior – everything is about attitude. Secondly, we can admit to the person with whom we are interacting that we are having difficulty focusing and we can be truthful about this. The party seeking our attention may also have difficulty concentrating from time to time – the issue is universal in nature. Your willingness to admit it makes you more human, more real and vulnerable, rather than unapproachable, cold or unfeeling. Thirdly, with positive intent and expressed vulnerability you can begin the conversation anew in the moment or hold the conversation for a later time – even if you would like to reschedule it the same day. The lapse of time can make you feel more intentional to be an active listener. One other thing – commit to being your best self when you have that conversation.

“Listening is a positive act: you have to put yourself out to do it.” – David Hockney

Tips and Reminders

Here are a few tips and reminders to make that listening session more successful. Once again, it is about being intentional by declaring up front that you want to make sure you fully understand the other person’s point of view and/or situation. In order to do that successfully you will seek to clarify their point of view by asking appropriate questions to ensure that both you and they fully understand what they are communicating. Your questions help clarify that which is being communicated and you can confirm what you take away from the conversation. Your interaction will be more collaborative, collegial and participatory. This will require some effort on the part of both parties, but the upshot will be a dialogue that is genuine because you are co-voyaging with one another.

“There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.” – Simon Sinek

Focus your Listening

While in the conversation, focus your attention on the other person. Don’t be distracted. If you have to interrupt the conversation for any reason, make sure you find the appropriate point to interject and restate what you have heard. Often you may break the conversation to ask questions, attempt to affirm what you have heard or to clarify what is not part of the discussion. These “time outs” ensure you are on the same page with the person talking and help to affirm you are listening actively. If you do this, you have placed yourself metaphorically in the shoes of the other – you are walking the focused listening walk. And this is powerful.

“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I'm going to learn, I must do it by listening.” – Larry King

Make Sure You Are Heard

You probably have experienced painful situations where you felt you had not been heard. Have you thought about how you could leverage that experience in future dialogue? One way is to empower yourself to be a better listener. Remember the golden rule stated at the beginning of this essay. Resolve in your next conversation that you will have a good experience because you are a good listener. You can raise the stakes by declaring your intent to be a better listener at the outset of the conversation and ask for feedback at the end of the conversation. This is not about taking criticism – this is about getting better by establishing rapport and making sure the other feels heard.

The other way you could leverage the experience of not being heard is to ask for, expect and even demand it. In some cases you can gain value at the outset of a conversation by declaring what you want out of the conversation. Do you simply want someone to listen? Do you want validation of your thoughts and words? Do you want to know what is missing from your thinking? These are all valid wants and needs so I suggest you ask for them without reluctance.

In summary, I ask you two questions. First, wouldn’t the world be a better place if we could listen with empathy, kindness and care? If your answer is yes, then let me say this, I hear you! My second question is: What are we waiting for? Let’s start listening and learning more today.

And, there is more, there always is.

Be genuine.

Copyright 2014 © John J. Trakselis, Chicago CEO Coaching

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