Real Conversations
“A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.” – Truman Capote
What passes for real conversation today can be compared to what Jerry Seinfeld said about his television show, Seinfeld: “It’s about nothing.” It’s not that people are not trying to have real dialogue. It’s their emphasis, or lack thereof, that is misplaced frequently. Many conversations are more about circumstances and pretension and less about feelings and thoughts including hopes, aspirations, and dreams. Many men and women simply do not want to be vulnerable. We don’t want to seem weak, and we want to tell people how great we are. Or we are inclined to discuss the reasons why we are a victim (and perhaps surprisingly, this kind of information does not allow us to share in authentic ways).Alternatively, we communicate in a manner designed to give or take power away from one party or another.
Here are the things that make for a pseudo-conversation:
- Projecting a false self or persona
- Looking for approval
- Lack of intention
- Judging or resenting
- Acting or feeling superior
- Lack of listening or inattention
- Providing solutions prematurely
- Lack of engagement
- Gossiping about the conversation later on
“A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship.” – Rainer Maria Rilke
Give Meaning
Many conversations are superficial – just scratching the surface – and lacking authentic sharing. Sometimes we want to brag. This can stem from a desire to be acknowledged. Indirectly, we are thinking about how we can show up the other guy. We want to see the expression on another’s face when we report that we did better. Maybe the resentment comes from a prior conversation where we felt bludgeoned and now it is time for payback.
Other times we feel that we need to be accepted so we focus on providing recaps of our successes. Some of us Type A personalities believe in orderto be accepted we have to cite our achievements. Our self-image may be fragile and we validate ourselves by way of our achievements. This is different than celebrating our successes.
“The hardest thing about being famous is that people are always nice to you. You're in a conversation and everybody's agreeing with what you're saying even if you say something totally crazy. You need people who can tell you what you don't want to hear.” – Al Pacino
To Schmooze or not to Schmooze
Alternatively, we tend to idolize the other party in the conversation because we think this will ingratiate us with them. In this scenario we more resemble cheerleaders and do not add any value to the conversation because we are schmoozers. The funny thing about trying to be liked is that you are not generally liked if you are a flatterer. Most recipients of your compliments are put off if there is nothing behind what you are saying.
When you enter into a dialogue with a friend do you ever think about what you want to accomplish in the conversation and announce it at the front end of the get together? I can understand wanting to be around others and needing to feel accepted. That is normal. Who wants to be in an adversarial relationship? However, what do you want to project to your friends? Do you stand for something that you want to be known for, like always telling the truth? It is risky to be transparent if you think you may be judged unfairly or rejected.. By telling the truth, I am not suggesting that you need to shock. . Rather, I recommend that you speak from your perspective rather than sounding like you are sole possessor of objective reality. Almost all conversations should possess proper care and consideration for the other party in the conversation because this eflects on you more so than them.
“It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.” – Yogi Berra
When you are listening to another person do you sense that you are reacting negatively to what you are hearing because you feel you are so much better than that individual? At the same time, do you really resent them but don’t dare say it? The former reflects a lack of compassion or empathy while the latter reflects the anger that is building up inside of you. Most of us don’t want to be known for a lack of compassion or for our resentment so we stuff it down like a bitter pill which is like adding fuel to a fire. It is going to flare up someday.
Be Present
Are you in the present moment in your conversations? If you are thinking about a dozen other things because your brain is in constant problem-solving mode, you are not listening and you are definitely inattentive. Don’t think the other party does not notice your distractedness. He or she will be offended when you rattle off a fact that you think is appropriate that was never part of the conversation. The fact that you don’t ask relevant questions will also be evidence inattentiveness.
"Silence is one of the great arts of conversation." – Marcus Tullius Cicero
Most healthy people do not want us to solve their problems nor do they want to be told what to do. Instead they want us to listen, ask questions, help them shed light on alternatives, and then possibly give our opinion. They want to feel that we are co-voyagers on life’s journey. When we offer solutions to others prematurely it may be a turn-off. They will probably feel like they don’t matter to you or that you feel they have to be told what to do.
Reserve Advice
If you really want to turn someone off, act or speak like you are superior. Once again, who wants to be around someone who makes them feel inferior? Only a masochist wants to feel that pain. Everyone is worthy of respect. I personally don’t believe there is such a thing as a superior human being because we all have our flaws and even our strengths are weaknesses in the wrong circumstances. I am reminded of the phrase: “There but for the grace of God, go I.” Most of the leadership material that I have been exposed to lately talks about the importance of humility in just about everything. Hubris, on the other hand, can be a deadly killer in relationships and in one’s success.
“Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.” – Andre Maurois
If you are a problem solver by nature, you will want to come up with a solution as soon as you have heard enough facts. This is one of those strengths that can be a weakness in the wrong circumstances. In many cases the wrong circumstances are when your conversation buddy has not been fully heard or has not revealed enough information for you to give a solution. So before you run to a solution because you want to move on (boredom, anxiety, irritation, anger, sadness) cultivate a problem-solving process by asking clarifying questions. You may even find out that the problem you were trying to solve is not the real problem. I see this all the time in my Vistage Chair work.
Environment Matters
To have a good conversation it is important that the environment be one where effective conversation can occur and where we want to be engaged with another. You have to ask yourself what in the environment could distract you from an engaging one to one or one to many, conversation. Will you allow many interruptions (phone calls, emails, texts, or drop-ins)? Is your heart into having the conversation or do you really want to be elsewhere? Lack of engagement will show up and it is always better to defer the conversation until you think your head and heart will be in the game.
Confidentiality Rules
Finally, heart to heart conversations are sacred. Why would you violate that sanctity by disclosing what was discussed? Not only do you compromise of the potential for intimacy with another but you sully your trustworthiness. How can anyone feel safe with you if they feel that they can’t tell you something in confidence? It is entirely possible that the non-offending party was extremely vulnerable in sharing information with you and you come across as an insensitive jerk. Don’t let any of the details of the conversation leak out. If you feel compelled to pass along information, get clearance before the conversation is over. By the way, I am not talking about holding on to information that could be regarded as illegal or against company or business policy. I am talking about disseminating information that belittles the other party in the conversation.
Summary
In wrapping up this essay, let me contrast a real conversation with a pseudo-conversation.
Pseudo Conversations | Real Conversations |
Projection of false self or persona | Operating from a true or essential self |
Seeking approval | Being heard |
Lack of intention | Desire to fully participate |
Judging or resenting | Openness and accepting |
Acting or feeling superior | Co-voyaging with another |
Lack of listening or inattention | Listen and be in the present moment |
Providing solutions prematurely | Asking questions and framing decision criteria |
Lack of engagement | Create an environment where engagement occurs |
Gossiping after the conversation | Respecting confidentiality |
“A real conversation always contains an invitation. You are inviting another person to reveal herself or himself to you, to tell you who they are or what they want.” – David Whyte
And, there is more, there always is.
Be genuine.
Copyright 2014 © John J. Trakselis, Chicago CEO Coaching
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