Persuasion is not Manipulation
“It takes time to persuade men to do even what is for their own good.” – Thomas Jefferson
Sell, sell, sell! Do you like to be sold to or do you like to be informed? If you are like most people you hate the heavy sales pitch. Even more, you hate to be put in a situation where you have little flexibility – that’s like being in a closed room listening to staged testimonials. Persuasion is a form of selling but I think of it more as the promotion of an idea with the intention of seeking and winning buy-in. The purpose of this essay is to explore the art of persuasion.
What’s your Idea?
Persuasion starts with an idea. There is some overriding idea, concept or principle for which you seek buy-in from others. Even if you are trying to persuade someone to give up their hard-earned cash for a physical good, it is not about the merchandise. It is about how they feel when they obtain what you are selling. It is not a contrived feeling but a natural one.
When you are planning to persuade someone, here are some things for you to consider:
- How well do you know this person and how much time will you spend with him to learn if you have mutuality of interest?
- Do you care about this person or do you simply want him to buy what you are selling?
- What is your ulterior motive and are you willing to disclose that to the other party?
- Are you going to present the pros and cons of your idea or are you going to gloss over the negatives?
- Are you approaching your interaction from an ego-centric orientation or are you service oriented?
- What is your conflict of interest and how does that impact your truth-telling in the moment?
- Are you prepared or are you taking the other for granted because you are either lazy or in a position of power, or both?
- Are you willing to listen and engage with the other person?
“It's better to get smart than to get mad. I try not to get so insulted that I will not take advantage of an opportunity to persuade people to change their minds. ” – John H. Johnson
Don’t Get Mad and Don’t Even Think about Getting Even
I like the first part of that quote—don’t get insulted when someone disagrees with you. Getting insulted and showing it smacks of manipulation. Keeping your cool in the face of adversity – for example, someone disagreeing with you – has many benefits. Your ability to stay in the moment – neither judging nor withdrawing – is a sign of real engagement. And this is the core of persuasion. It’s about engagement not anger. Heavy emotion expressed in the face of disagreement keeps you from learning what you need to know in order to think through better idea. It also deprives you of useful information that you can use in making sure that you are addressing the concerns of individuals that are the market for your ideas.
I think that someone who goes off on a rant is untrustworthy. They deliberately, or inadvertently, try to overcome another person by force, in this case forceful communication. I am reminded of a martial arts principle called “body alarm response” or BAR, where even the most highly trained martial artist’s senses can be temporarily overwhelmed by a surprise or ambush. When you challenge in a hostile manner, the party you are trying to engage will fight or flee. But they will rarely buy what you are selling. Getting upset with someone who is not buying into your idea is also a form of bullying. Almost no one likes bullies.
I have more problems with the second part of the quote. Selling can be a game you want to win rather than facilitating the win-win, the mutuality of interest principle. The “I have to win,” “I made him change his mind,” “I nailed it” mentality is very ego-centric. It is not that a healthy ego is not an important thing. But when it is all about your ego, your ability to win, there is very little common purpose between you and the other party.
However, when some of the following take place you’ve got the makings of a win-win (and you influence the other party to change their mind):
- You communicate facts that are important and which have been overlooked
- You point out a compelling vision that is more attractive than the picture heretofore portrayed
- You identify a significant need or want that is convincing
- You allay fears with genuine data or probabilities
- You foster trust because you listen, absorb what the other party is saying, and you address concerns in a thoughtful, engaging manner.
“In any situation that calls for you to persuade, convince or manage someone or a group of people to do something, the ability to tell a purposeful story will be your secret sauce. Telling to win through purposeful stories is situation, industry, gender, demographic, and psychographic-agnostic. It's an all-purpose, everyone wins tool.” – Peter Guber
Have a Meaningful Story to Tell
Like Peter Guber, I believe in the power of a purposeful story – not one that is contrived or manipulative. There is a lot of buzz in the business world touting Neuromarketing, sometimes referred to as “selling to the old brain,” and often referred to as the amygdala portion of the brain. Although there could be legitimate concerns about missing out on something or losing something by not saying yes to certain transactions, it’s important to be aware of hype and manipulative tactics. In our selective communications world, where partial and incomplete information is disseminated widely by politicians and others, Neuromarketing is apparent in many places. Panic peddling by the news media is also a form of Neuromarketing, all in the name of getting high ratings. I suggest you tell honest stories that hold up under scrutiny and can be verified.
“It is impossible to persuade a man who does not disagree, but smiles.” – Muriel Spark
Engagement is the Key to Persuading
One-way communication is not engagement and rarely leads to persuasion. You might as well whistle in the wind as to try to convince someone who is not actively in a conversation with you. How can you trust someone who is merely trying to look good? Push-back is a good thing in that it keeps you on your toes and helps you to be better. I think you are better served by the give and take of communication. While the smile does create a slightly positive transfer of energy between you and another, it is not nearly as energetic as a good conversation where you get to know someone because of your interaction.
Finally, I leave you with a quote from one of the most outstanding statesmen of all time:
“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” – Winston Churchill
I would have loved to be a fly on the wall during that discussion.
And, there is more, there always is.
Be genuine.
Copyright 2014 © John J. Trakselis, Chicago CEO Coaching
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