Honoring Your Teachers
I once talked to a prospective client who told me she was “self-made.” Typically the term refers to one who has built a business or new enterprise singlehandedly, and has not inherited or fallen into fortune. But I would argue that no one is self-made – at least not completely or in the truest sense. This is because the people we encounter throughout our lives inform, teach and influence us in various ways. We respond and process the many connections, relationships and experiences that add to our mix of individual genetic predispositions, and all of this serves to shape our individual development and capacities over time.
Influencers: Group 1
Who are our key influencers? We are influenced heavily by people who play significant roles in our lives – let’s call them Group 1. These include parents, teachers, coaches, neighbors, bosses and clergy. Peers who stand with us at various stages in our lives also play an important role and are part of this group. They include siblings, classmates, dates and co-workers. Finally, spouses and significant others (who function as our most immediate family), children and even grandchildren, all help to shape and define our individual identity and persona.
These key influencers take on clearly established or informal roles. They are the people who are our most likely mentors, role models and leadership examples. All of these figures impact us. In fact, it is usually the case that one or more individuals from this group have or have had the most significant bearing on our lives. Our interactions within this group determine our habits, world views, beliefs, philosophies and ways of being. Some are unconscious responses and some are intentional, and can be traced to specific events.
Influencers: Group 2
The next group of influencers or guides includes most everyone else. Experiences with individuals in this wide collective can be casual (people at the corner bakery, office or plant security, health care professionals and so on). We interact with these people, maybe even on a first name basis, but their roles are largely public rather than personal, and these relationships are far less intimate compared to those in the first group. It seems there is also a lot more turnover in this segment. In the workplace, for example, people can come and go as personnel changes occur, and so relationships in this part of our lives typically are not long-lasting or deep.
Influencers: Group 3
The last group includes those we encounter only a few times in our lives, or maybe only once or in a fleeting manner. Experiences in this group have the power to leave an almost indelible impression on our lives, however. It could have been the person who said or did something nasty to us. Or it could have been that Good Samaritan, someone we did not even know, who displayed incredible kindness toward us.
The Good and the Bad
It’s likely all of us can say we have had many good experiences within each of these three categories. If we are honest, we can also admit to some very bad experiences. Good or bad is, of course, a characterization we carry around in our heads. That is not to say that by most objective standards an experience can’t be good or bad. However, to spend an undue amount of time making the judgment about the interaction is not nearly as important as what we learned from the experience. Characterizing an encounter as good or bad clouds our judgment and can stifle our ability to learn what we derived from the experience and how it impacted our lives.
“You learn far more from negative leadership than from positive leadership, because you learn how not to do it. And, therefore, you learn how to do it. ” – Norman Schwarzkopf
I place a high premium on learning and growing – both personally and within the groups of individuals I coach. We are all leaders and so our interactions can sway the leadership skills of others as well as our own. This is why I hold John Kennedy’s and General Schwarzkopf’s statements in high regard.
Everyone We Encounter Is A Teacher
Additionally, I believe every individual we encounter is one of our teachers. We can learn from others – from their mistakes as well as the things they do well. We will have positive and negative feelings based on our interactions. This is a given, but I suggest we take a look at what that other person did or said to help us learn and grow.
So if you had a wonderful experience with someone, and I asked you why it was wonderful, could you tell me? I have heard it said that if you go up to a speaker after a presentation and tell him or her the session was great, you haven’t given any real, practical feedback. The positive word is likely appreciated, but the individual is left wondering specifically what you thought was so good that you would take the time to note it. Being clear about the reason for your praise helps you as well as the other. Specificity adds significance and significance becomes internalized. You learn better and ultimately you do better. So does the other person. This is a win-win.
Negative experiences, on the other hand, are clearly unpleasant. Often we carry these around in our head for the rest of our lives (Sometimes I refer to it as another person living rent free inside our head.). It is very easy to demonize the party that stirred the negative experience and oftentimes we stay in victimhood for a long time. No doubt there are some people who have dishonorable intentions and have a clear desire to be hurtful. The physical and emotional hurt from a bad experience will last a lot longer than it should if you do not learn or take away what you need from it. Learning, plus the resolve on your part to act differently as a result of a negative encounter, creates value. If you can learn from a bad experience, you have turned that demon into a teacher. If you develop an alternative action plan or thought process, your bad experience has been transformed into a catalyst for growth. You’ve converted an event which someone in your life may have intended for your harm, into good.
“Success is the best revenge.” – Source Unknown
Often, to be successful, we have to learn and do things differently. It is not about sticking it to someone, but rather turning an unpleasant experience into a lifetime win for you. This is much better than carrying around hurt, anger and sadness because of something someone did to you.
In summary, every encounter, good or bad, is a learning experience. If you regard everyone you meet as a teacher, and you see yourself as a student, then you are on the road to increasing self-awareness and growth. Always try to ask yourself, “What was the value I gained from the experience – is it something I will model or is it a prompt for a needed change?” Emulating the good experience honors the teacher. Doing something differently as a result of a bad experience honors you, neutralizes a bad teacher’s actions and sends positive goodwill into the world.
I have two final thoughts. Express your gratitude for the positive experiences shared with a good teacher. Lastly, forgive your bad teacher, learn from the experience and do your best always.
“The way to find the real "world" is not merely to measure and observe what is outside us, but to discover our own inner ground. For that is where the world is, first of all: in my deepest self. ” – Thomas Merton
And, there is more, there always is.
Be genuine.
Copyright 2014 © John J. Trakselis, Chicago CEO Coaching
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