Dealing with Disappointment

“When we refuse to work with our disappointment…we resort to anger, greed, gossip, criticism. Yet it's the moment of being in that disappointment which is fruitful; and, if we are not willing to do that, at least we should notice that we are not willing. The moment of disappointment in life is an incomparable gift that we receive many times a day if we're alert. This gift is always present in anyone's life, that moment when 'It's not the way I want it.”– Charlotte Joko Beck

Rejection, turndown, denial, dismissal, elimination, snub – all are disappointments, all hurt in their own way. When you are the recipient of someone’s actions that upset and frustrate, you may feel you have been treated unfairly or inappropriately or judged negatively or harshly. The slight may be large or small. What do you do? Do you brush it off or do you take a closer look at it? Do you demonize the one who leveled you or perhaps said “No,” or do you go to work to analyze the situation and identify the various factors that may be in play?

Hurt and Anger Must Be Addressed
“The funny thing about trying to move others is that they don’t necessarily move the way you want them to move or at the speed that you want them to move. Why is that? It is because they do things for their own reasons, not yours.”– Simon Sinek

The first thing to do if you want to work your disappointment is to grieve your perceived loss. It may appear as a big loss or it may turn out to be something else altogether. Either way, the important thing is to work your grief. You have been hurt; acknowledge it.

Now, maybe you don’t feel hurt. Or, perhaps you are mad as Hell. Honor that! Work it! Take out a journal and write like the devil getting it all out on paper. Or talk to a friend. Ask them to simply listen rather than trying to make it all better. Ask them to be there for you to vent but tell them you don’t want them to try to make you feel good. You want them to honor your feelings. Maybe you need to talk to a professional counselor or minister/rabbi. Whatever route you choose, I recommend you allow yourself to be vulnerable and acknowledge your feelings.

Post-Mortem Review
“Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.” – Eliza Tabor Stephenson

When you are in that hurt/sad/sorrowful state, look at what you could have done differently in response to the situation or to check your reaction. As you replay the situation in your mind, can you identify things you may have done differently? Be honest, but have compassion for yourself as well. See if you can approach this part of the work as a detached observer with “no dog in the hunt.” Break down and analyze the circumstances without judging yourself or the other. Reach your conclusions and reflect on them.

I think these moments are very important for confirming self-knowledge, affirming self-worth and demonstrating compassion for self. Yes, it’s likely you have suffered a stinging loss or maybe a minor irritation. Know yourself! Who are you? What do you stand for and what is it that you won’t fall for? This self-reflection is one of the most important things you can do to honor yourself.

Letting Go
“Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest...Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments — — but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.” – Paulo Coelho

What if this disappointment ultimately turns out to be a blessing? What if you were rejected for a position that wasn’t the right fit or where the scope of the work was beyond what you could handle? What if you were turned down in a relationship that wasn’t heading anywhere? Is it possible that you were spared from a situation that was not going to end well?

I am reminded of this quote from an unknown source: “Be careful what you wish for in life. It might not turn out the way you think.” I realize that it is challengingto reflect in this way when you really wanted something and you are spinning because you didn’t get it. However, maybe you have had situations in the past where you have been spared a bad outcome or maybe you actually experienced a bad outcome when you got something you really wanted. If neither of these has happened to you, reach out to others who have had such experiences. If nothing else, a different viewpoint often takes you out of “coulda, woulda, shoulda” mode and frees you up to take heart and hold on to the belief that something better 1) may come your way or 2) is well within your grasp. I say, make a note for yourself to look at your situation in 12 months, and then 5 and 10 years in the future. Assess (at these intervals). Look back and determine whether you were better off getting disappointed after all.

Moving on
“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It won’t happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.” – Joel Osteen

My belief is that life is a journey, not a destination. How many times do we focus on getting somewhere and miss all of the interesting facets of life because we are not present, not aware? If someone would ask us, “How much do you want to be miserable in your life?” our answer would probably be NEVER. But at a cognitive level, we know we will experience pain and suffering during the course of our lifetime. So if this is your belief, then doesn’t it make sense to process your distress and go forward successfully in the shortest possible timeframe? Can you allow for the possibility that much greater forces are at work, and both positive and negative experiences serve our best interests?

Turn your disappointment into a “gift” and watch as it “strengthens, tempers and intensifies” your soul as the quotes above suggest! Your fan club is rooting for you. The opinions and views of others matter only inasmuch as they are designed to teach. Ultimately, however, you decide what matters. Choose wisely!

“Disappointments in love, even betrayals and losses, serve the soul at the very moment they seem in life to be tragedies. The soul is partly in time and partly in eternity. We might remember the part that resides in eternity when we feel despair over the part that is in life.” – Thomas Moore

And, there is more, there always is.

Be genuine.

Copyright 2014 © John J. Trakselis, Chicago CEO Coaching

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